AND FINALLY, I CRIED


August 23, 2020 1:45 p.m. After a month reflecting on my part in our relationship, I am still angry at him. I accidentally, slightly, popped off on him the other night and ended up crying the rest of that night. It reminded me of the time I popped off on ___ and ___. It never felt good using my words to attack someone I used to be with. I had too much to say to him. Like....you had six months to clarify what we were. You had so many opportunities to say something and you chose to say nothing. You could have easily asked me how I felt about you sleeping with someone else. How easy it would have been to check in how I was feeling about us. How disrespectful of you... to talk about your ex to me nonstop, yet never mentioning you were still sleeping with her...slept with her...whatever. You were still intimate with her and you were doing what with me? He decided to be clear about what he wanted four days into our trip, six months and four days...lol, after I ignited the conversation, twice. It amazes me how he thought it was ok to say he slept with his ex on the second day of our trip and expected me to not react. To not be upset? And to be honest, I don't even think he would have told me if I didn't ask. There were so many red flags. The first was his story about the women in his life. A typical man. He walked in and out of women's lives when he wanted, when it served him. He did that to his mother, leaving and coming into her house whenever he pleased and come back when he wanted. He does that with his ex, picking and choosing when he wanted to be there for her and when he didn't. He did that with me.... calling me whenever he felt. Telling me the full truth whenever he wanted. Never defining us and leaving that up to me. He would have kept doing it too. I would have spent another six months hoping he would have the courage to define us. I think that's what hurts the most. He won't hold himself accountable and amazes me how he thought he could treat me like that because we weren't exclusive? He's not exclusive with his ex so he can treat her like that? Not being exclusive gives him permission to treat us like this? Fuck your ex, then tell her you're going camping with me...lol. Go camping with me and tell me on day two how you saw your ex two days before seeing me...reckless. Inconsiderate. Selfish. Yes, I never told him I wanted exclusivity, but that gives him the right to treat me like we're just friends when it's convenient for him? Treat me like his lover when again, it's convenient for him? My actions screamed we were more than friends. From the lingerie photos, written letters, trips to New York, Facetime calls, monthly check ins about us, sharing my art with him, making art about him, making art with him... How stupid I feel. How fucking stupid I feel. He would have kept taking and never giving. And if I didn't snap out of it, I would have continued to give and make excuses to why he couldn't give back. To think, I felt sorry for him for the last 10 months. I think that's what hurts the most. I was wrong about him. He may have been a little more well mannered than my exes. He may have been a better listener than the guys I've been with. He may have been just a little bit more decent than the men I've slept with, but look at that....he still was the same as all of them. Never holding himself accountable, never being intentional. Never being fully honest. How selfish. I can never see us being friends. If he was soooo concerned about "keeping our friendship" why didn't he say that six months ago? Why were we sleeping with each other? Why did we talk regularly after I went back to LA? I told him I didn't want us to sleep with each other on month three and I stayed true to that...until I didn't. I told him we were going to change and look what we did. Look what I did...so again, why am I shocked? This is the same man who tried to sleep with me on the first night...another red flag. I was never to be taken seriously. I don't trust him and that is why I popped off on him. I no longer feel safe with him. I realized I feel like I don't know him...another situation I found myself in too often. To think, I once trusted him....I trusted him with my body, my art, my fucking feelings. I TRUSTED HIM WITH MY FEELINGS. To think.... I never pressured us because I trusted him.... He never really tried and I still gave. I made excuses for his behavior. I rearranged my own needs and wants for his. I kept my mouth shut when he wasn't treating me the way I knew I deserved to be treated. My intuition told me he wasn't right for me and I should have let him go months ago. The Universe told me I needed to let go of all the ideas I had about him because he wasn't those things. He's never been those things and I felt stupid for believing he was. I am so hurt. I wish I could tell him this, but I cannot talk to him. I have nothing more to say except, this anger has been covering up the hurt he has caused and every once in awhile that hurt slips up and I find myself crying...he really did hurt me and I can't believe he did that to me. To me. I can't believe I did that to me.