May 5, 2019

9:13 p.m.

I was already deep in my head by the time he kissed me goodbye. “What’s wrong?” he asked. His eyes looked at me with urgency. “Mmmm, nothing,” I responded.  It was 10 in the morning. We had just smoked. We had just spent hours playing around with each other. I was having so much fun. We'd wake up, start kissing, start moving, start talking and then we would be wrapped in a position and fall asleep. It was nice being tangled and tied to someone else. I woke up and forgot he was there. That’s how comfortable I was. His lips. His face on my face. His facial hair on my cheeks. He felt familiar and warm. His lips looked like they were carved by angels. LOL, but really.

We had so much fun last night. We went to LACMA for a show and then came back to my house where we bodied a bottle of tequila, smoked, looked at photos, sat by a fire, danced, kissed, laughed and talked about everything and nothing. He showed me almost 500 photos from 2013-2018. I liked looking into his life. I liked the way he looked at me. I liked the way he kissed me. I liked how he just talked about his exes casually and I liked that I felt like I looked better than his ex. Petty, I know but we got to take the small wins.

His eyes had a twinkle in them. I felt at ease. I felt safe. I felt calm. He calmed me down and that scared me. Last night happened exactly how I knew it would.

I was sitting on his lap by the fire when everything in my body dropped. “I really, really, really, really, really like people and then I don’t. It just turns off.” Red flag. My biggest fear, the switch up. He didn’t know why he did that. He said he didn’t think one person could stimulate him. I then began to questioned whether I felt one person could stimulate me. He kept saying, “before one of us gets hurt.” It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy. He said it twice. I think we both knew who is going to get hurt and it was going to be me. This whole time I've been like, "I don’t see the Scorpio in him." L O L

He was scared to like me, “because I really like you and I want to see you, but...idk, I don’t want to have to give up brain space and time to someone right now.” Double red flag. A moment of silence passed until I hesitantly asked, “Sooo ... what does that mean for me?”

What did that mean for me? Was I essentially preparing to play myself?

It was now ten in the morning. Me looking for validation and security and him looking for...idk what he was looking for, but I knew he was looking right at me and my mind was elsewhere. I was deep in thought and I couldn’t wait for him to leave. That feeling came over me again. That feeling I had on the day I kissed ___ goodbye before I got on that plane. That feeling where I knew this would be the only and the last time where I would feel the way I felt. Where we seemed free, uncomplicated, and true...

A true scorpio, a warning and then the attack. I felt ___. I felt like our shit was melting down on me. Our situation was melting in front of my eyes and I was sad to watch it disappear.

He reminded me how it felt to be desired. He reminded me of my fun side. Reminded me of the other sides I didn’t get to show other men or never cared too.

8:39 p.m iMessage: “Glitter goddess.”

I wondered if he was going to hit me up today, even though I was just with him this morning. I had nothing to say. I had everything to say, but what do you say when he says he doesn’t want a relationship or brain space or even real space with y'all and he’s talking to you everyday. Y'all are damn near seeing each other everyday.

So I question, what am I doing? It’s only been two Two weeks and shit is already on fire. He smelled delicious and I wanted my nose around his and my lips on his. I wanted us to play. But could I play? Didn't I know this game? I felt like I always lost and I was tired of competing. My biggest fear is his worst quality: the switch up. So what do you do?