BLURRY


July 19, 2020  9:26 p.m

Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I asked for this. Maybe, I asked the universe for another emotionally unavailable man. I knew I was editing out my wants and needs for him, but I did that with every guy. A serious pattern. A serious, serious pattern consisting of "flowing" until flowing became a flood. And right now, I am standing in a flood of emotions I didn't necessarily know were there.  It seemed like they never chose me. It seemed like I always played the “cool” girl, the “flow” girl, the "we keeping it light" girl. A girl too afraid to ask for what she really needed because the men in her life could never follow through.  Don’t tell them too much. Don’t put too much pressure them. Don't push them because when you do they break. They run away. They hide. Holding a man accountable nowadays or ever, is a hard thing to do. It seemed like they ran from the truth. And the truth was I was hurt. His actions hurt me and I just wasn't expecting to be hurt by him. Not by him.  Today I started a new pattern. A blueprint for future relationships: I said what I needed. Exactly that, what I needed, what I wanted and what I felt.  “Say the fucking words. Just say it,” I said in my head on Facetime with him.  ....just say how a few weeks ago you were unsure if you really liked him. How you knew you liked the space he held with and for you, but you were still questioning if you liked him for him. How for the first time ever, you liked someone based off their actions and not their status. That you liked him because you fucking liked him and that was the only truth you held onto for months. Say how he has helped you become a better you. That after a week in Maine together, you saw how the two of you balanced each other out and you didn't know it could be so easy existing with someone else. Just say....you see a future with him and he's not in a place to see one with you...and it's hurting you. Intentional or not. He didn’t have space.  I knew our goodbye was too close for comfort and honestly I felt sick. I wanted a relationship and it seemed like he only wanted a situation. I wanted a partner and he wanted ... it seemed like he didn’t know what he wanted. And that was all I needed to know. He didn’t know if he wanted to be with me. There was nothing else to say. Today was the first day I chose myself. I broke a pattern. Yes, I. Yes, me, Ciarra Kyleen. I said what I needed without editing.  I told him we were real, we were so real, but I couldn’t wait another six months to see if he would choose me. I told him that it hurt me, him fucking her, him seeing her two days before seeing me. I questioned what boundaries he was creating between us. Between her. Between his fucking self?? "YOU ARE CREATING BLURRY BOUNDARIES." And I am not here for the blurry boundaries. Especially when I worked extra hard to make sure our lines didn't cross.