May 15, 2018

10:52 p.m.

I wasn’t even sure if I was tripping over him anymore. I was running on the beach in Santa Monica. I almost didn’t run, but I thought that’s the least I could do for my body. I was over making excuses. I wanted to break out of that.

So I drove on Crenshaw blvd today. I haven’t driven on Crenshaw in months. At first it was because his billboard was on Crenshaw. I drove past it a few times and everytime, I kid you not, the sun perfectly beamed on it. I literally can not make this shit up. Didn’t matter what time of day it was, the sun beamed on him. It was actually hilarious. Very hard to ignore.

Like I said, at first it was to avoid the billboard. After awhile, I didn’t think about it. Today I  drove on Crenshaw. I didn’t look up. Then again I already knew they took it down. I can never tell if I’m still tripping about him. I liked someone new. I was dating new men, all different types.

I still thought about him though. Every day. Not all day, but random moments throughout the day. I was tripping. I now can see us for who we really were.

Honestly, I don’t even remember our relationship. I only playback certain parts. Like how he used to look me in my eyes. Kiss my face. I think about him in the shower. I don’t imagine him in it anymore. I can’t even remember if he made me laugh. If we ever laughed together. We were so intense...all the time. But I loved him like I had never loved before.

That’s what has me fucked up. I don’t think about him hitting me up anymore. I don’t even think about hitting him up. I don’t know what he’s been up to. What he looks like now. Who he’s with. Where he’s been. I’m waiting for the videos to roll out. I’m waiting for it all. I’ve been minding my business, but his business somehow makes its way to me in one way or another.

My life has been changing so fast lately and I wish it was January again. When I had my apartment to myself for three weeks with no job. Just me. Life is happening and I just flow with it because what other choice do I have forreal forreal. Sometimes I think I’m so fucked up and I think who could love me? He was fucked up and maybe that’s how we attracted each other. I wonder if he ever thinks about me...if he ever checks up on me. What does it matter anyways. He’s not checking for me and I can’t even bring myself to watch anything he’s doing. I don’t even look at our pictures anymore. It’s been a year.

Almost six months since the last time I saw or spoke to him. I just thank baby yeezus his fucking billboard isn’t on Crenshaw anymore.