October 13, 2017
You know how many men have asked for my forgiveness? Down to my own father. Between men who realized they were wrong years down the line to the ones who never thought they were wrong and I still had to forgive. For the last year I've been trying to fix a relationship I didn't break. The night before we broke up I remember staring at his back. He didn't hold me that night. You never really need anyone to tell you when it's over. Most of the time you can already feel it.
I was so intimate with him. More intimate than I had been with anyone else. He brought so much out of me. He helped me see me, but he still didn't see me. Something inside me always felt like I couldn't go there with him. I could never really go there with him. I didn't even know what that really meant. Maybe I felt like I couldn't be myself and held certain words back? Or maybe I didn't open up because I knew he wasn't in a place to receive what I was saying. That's how the third guy I fell in love with deceived me. He made me think he was in a place to receive me, like he saw me. And he did see me. It was he who was hiding. Fucked up right? It's so hurtful when you're honest with someone...when you're not hiding and they're not being honest with you. It's like, who was I in a relationship with? Most of the time I felt like it was by myself anyway... me and the perceptions I've made up about these men in my head. The expectations I placed on them from words they said and the actions they never took. My second love came back into my life and I still felt lonely. He still couldn't see me. Even after I gave myself to him. Again. Here I was again... trying to fix something I never broke. I gave this man a huge print of my art, hand-delivered, and all I got back was a direct message on Instagram thanking me? I gave him a piece of my art, I gave him my heart, so we could stop this silence and this anger we had for one another. And this mother fucker sends me a DM on Instagram. Picked his pride and ego over our love once again.
I cried that whole night.