May 11, 2018

1:14 a.m

I thought about him tonight. I was standing in General Lee’s in Chinatown and I stopped my movement, paused, and thought about him. I had on a tight glittery dress. The last time I wore that dress was last October. I almost went out, but then I got high. That night I remember going back and forth whether or not I wanted to go out. And then my friend texted me. “____ is here.” She was at a completely different party from where I was originally going. I panicked. I remember pacing in my room at the thought of wanting to see him? I was panicking because I could have easily pulled up. I thought about it. I entertained the idea for a few, but something inside me told me it wasn’t worth it. If it was meant to be the universe would pull us together at some point.

I remember I kept thinking how good I looked. My hair was teal. Very short. Jessica gave me that dress. When I first saw it I didn’t really think it was my style, yet I found myself trying it on one night and couldn’t believe how perfect it was.

I was wearing that dress again. The first time since the last time, and then I thought about him. I actually missed him, wishing I could go home to him. How strong and fucked up it would feel. How I feel. Strong and fucked up. I wish he was here to comfort me, but even I know he could never comfort me. Here I am though, wanting his comfort, his attention, anything forreal.

Can you see me? Are you seeing me? Questions I made up in my head. Why did it even matter? How could he feel so good knowing he hurt me? I don’t miss him. I miss him. Same story again, back and forth between ideas of him.

I wish I could tell you how I really felt. I’m not too sure. Because of later actions, I can’t tell if any of his actions were genuine or not, but then again I also understand people can change their minds and usually do...I haven’t changed my mind about him. Letting him go seems like the end to me...and him. Thinking about leaving him behind gives me anxiety. I keep wishing another guy would take that feeling away. That’s why I’ve been single. I can’t keep using guys to get over other guys. I thought about him tonight. I wonder how he’s doing. Is he happy?

Am I?