December 5, 2017

7:11 p.m.

I guess a lot of me wanted him to show up. And he showed. I couldn't even look at him.  Before I felt the word vomit stir up in my throat, "Can I talk to you for a second?" 

I think I said something along those lines. Before the yes finished leaving his mouth my hand was already on his wrist pulling him to the back. I was drunk. I'm never drunk. I was overwhelmed, which is why I got drunk. My show wasn't going the way I wanted and him showing up to my art exhibition, on my birthday, uninvited and unannounced... well, that was enough drama to talk about for a couple of weeks. At least give me something else to think about other than ___ for once.

Noted: I always switched back and forth. I pulled ___ back in when I pushed ___ completely out.

So I'm standing in the closet with ___. I can't remember what really happened. It's bits and pieces. I just remember saying, "You're going to DM like I'm a fan?? Like a fan ___? A fan?"  I kept yelling, "Where's the print ___? Where's the print ___?" Being drunk. I do remember him saying it was in his house. It was not framed or hung up, but that's just because he's been busy. He said he fully intended too. I gave him a piece of my art for his birthday a few months prior when we weren't speaking and he acted like...I don't really know. He reminded me how he would never choose me, not over him. Not over his ego. 

I made him hold me for awhile. He did that thing he always did, let me pour my heart out while he softly kissed my shoulder and neck. That's how we told each other we loved each other. That's how I knew he was really listening. I think us standing back there made me realize how much I needed closure. Him showing up was almost enough. Him giving me the space to speak freely, was enough. I remember telling him how much I missed him. I'm pretty sure I told him how much I loved him. How that never changed... even through our year filled with heartache, loss, success, love, silence, anger, sadness... love.

I told him I was proud of him. Over and over. And that's because I was. I was soooo soo proud of him. I was so happy for him. I knew he was going to be a star. If anyone inspired me, despite all of our personal bullshit, it was always him. I wish I could remember that moment more. I wish I could just call him and ask him what I said, what he said... ask him what he felt more so. But is that really necessary? Everything that slipped up is how I've felt for the last several months and are all things I needed to say to him. So does it really matter what he thinks? Does it really matter what he feels? I feel like we're finally closing this chapter.

We're finally closing that chapter. There's nothing to be angry about anymore. Nothing to guess really. He tried to play it cool and act like that song wasn't about me. I wish he could just say all the things he needed to say to me. It's crazy how willing I am to drag myself through all types of shit just to be around him again.

I guess I really did love him.