January 21, 2020

5:27 p.m.

Maybe it was that I had to leave for LA in two weeks and I didn’t know what I was doing. I wanted to run away from everyone. Everything. I felt the tears coming and I tried to stop them, but we all know there is no such thing as trying. It was happening and he was watching.

I can’t remember if he was holding me but it felt like it. I cried on his shoulder and I didn’t feel stupid for doing it. Idek what else we talked about. Words were spilling up. My fears, my insecurities, my thoughts were pouring over the both of us on that couch. I told him everything. I walked away even more scared. I saw that his ex was still his #1 on his favorites and it made me feel sick. I heard a snippet of the conversation with his best friend about her too. I didn’t know how to feel. Scared...that I was the in between girl. We knewwwwww that story. His ex had been in Berlin and I wondered what that meant when she got back. She was coming back as I was leaving. Did he love, love her? Was their breakup a break? Or an ending of an era? Insecurity.

Then it went back to...what did I want? Did I want a relationship with ____? Why is it when there are question marks with a man I want a relationship but when there are none present I’m not thinking about it? Did my ego need security? What did it need? It wanted to be chosen and not feel like it was competing for attention, for love, for a man. I knew I would be ok regardless. But… I was leaving New York. I was going back to LA and it was giving me anxiety.