July 26, 2020 9:38 a.m. I’ve dreamt about him every night for the last week. Last Saturday I woke up and swore he was next to me. Moments from the previous Saturday shined in my room. The sun was out and we were out a weekend ago, running around Maine together. I’ve been waking up sad and angry, which is why I started running again in the morning. What do you do with all that energy? This energy of anger and sadness and frustration. It hurt me to send that text yesterday. It was 11 a.m. I'm pretty sure I was listening to Drake. I had finished my run, yet I still felt like there was too much anger, judgement, and regret built up in me. I was angry that he was in denial. I was angry that he could look me in my face and say it didn’t mean anything —twice. That fucking your ex twice in a matter of three weeks didn’t mean anything. You’re not being intentional.
I think what also hurts is that he didn’t choose me. That I bring all this “light” into his life and still I was not the choice. Oh, how I did things differently this time. We were different this time. I waited to have sex. I expressed myself. I told him about my past, present, and future selves. I was intentional. I asked him for two things: honesty and to show up as himself —whatever self that was at that moment. Just be honest about it. Be honest about who you were showing up as. I started to feel like the selves he was showing up as wasn’t what I needed... I needed security. I needed to feel like I was the only choice.
I wasn’t the only choice and from how I see it, I don’t think I ever was. I’m just like, what the fuck have we been doing for the last 10 months? Why were we doing this for 10 months? And I know the fucking reasons. I know that I needed something that felt...hopeful. I was drowning and he threw out a life jacket.
I told him we needed space. I told him that regardless if we were exclusive or not, we had been intimate for months. For months. We had been a thing for months. Period. Seeing any woman you’re involved with or used to be involved with two days before seeing me is almost unforgivable. It is hurtful. It is disrespectful. It makes my stomach drop and makes my heart beat faster every time I think about it.
At the end of the day, I wanted exclusivity and I didn’t communicate that. Instead, I tried to edit it out. Like no, no it’s fine. I don’t need it right now. We’re building. We’re getting to know each other. We don’t have space right now. Edit, edit, edit. I edited out my need for exclusivity and still shared my body with him. I still gave him full access to my emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical selves, with no security. I shared my body with someone who did not feel the same as me. Someone who did not choose me.
And yes, this is all coming from a place of hurt, I know. He can't choose me. He’s barely choosing himself, which is why I continued to edit, edit, edit my way through the last 10 months. I knew he wasn’t in a place to choose me. I just hoped when he was he would.
He told me I was a priority and I’m like where Sway? You fucking your ex and seeing her two days before seeing me, after you talked about her damn near every conversation we’ve had since meeting last year, is prioritizing me? That’s being intentional with me? lol... Bullshitting on planning our trip, trying to change the date to a later date —after not seeing each other for five months, not talking to me for weeks at a time and when I check you about being distant you say you don’t know, your head is everywhere… Code: you’re not thinking about me and here I am thinking about you. Always thinking about you. If that’s prioritizing me and being intentional with me, then wtf does it look like when I’m not a priority?? What the fuck were your intentions? Exclusive or not, we’ve been intimate for months. We have been talking for months. For months.
I am sad. I am hurt. I am angry. I am angry at him for being so fucking stupid. I am angry at myself for mirroring his stupidity and editing out my own needs and wants just so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to him sooner then I wanted too. Because let’s face it. Between the world coming to an end and my mother’s cancer I wouldn't have been able to face what we were, what we weren't, and what we would never be. I wouldn’t have been able to handle all that a few months ago. It’s now the end of July and I’ve watched us fall apart in a matter of minutes. Untangled, unraveled, and cut loose. And the truth was our intentions were different. Our definitions of being intentional were different. And I was sad I had to say goodbye.
I have felt sad since our trip. I have been angry for a week. I’ve been playing in regret and shame for the last several days. And at the end of the day, I am angrier at myself. I never asked him to choose me and I never asked for exclusivity, so who is at fault? At least I got 10 months worth of material...then again, that is my ego speaking.