LAST SUNDAY


September 17, 2019 9:54 p.m. Is it still love if you don’t think you can get anything out of it? Is it still love if you’re doing it out of loneliness?  I was excited I had someone to think about again. It felt like a catch. A pattern. A cycle. A routine. I already talked us up and sabotaged the whole thing before it even started. I was nervous.  He was smart. Witty. Confident and focused. He was attractive. He was direct. He made me feel seen. He made me feel attractive and smart. He made me nervous. I even slipped up and told him that. It wasn’t often I met a man who was just as comfortable with himself. I didn’t feel like I was the one dominating the space, which was nice. He was smooth. He was powerful. He knew how to use his words. He knew how to use his body. He was present and attentive.    We met last Sunday and we were together again on a Sunday. I just keep thinking why would he like me? Then I think, what is wrong with me that makes me feel unlovable? Why did I feel like I was unlikable?? I told him too much. I always felt like I told them too much.  I felt I wasn’t smart enough, I wasn’t fit enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't enough. He was doing the things I wanted to do. He was meditating. He was being present. He went through books weekly. He was behind the scenes. He was and I wasn't roamed through my head.  I felt exposed. I watched myself use lines I’ve already used with other men. I saw myself compare and contrast.

I liked kissing him. It was nice. I just couldn’t believe he thought we were about to sleep with each other. Did I give any signs? I meannn we only knew each other for seven days. But isn’t this what I wanted? Fake fall in love, have some great sex, and keep it pushing?  I did want that, but I also didn’t want that. I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be heard. I wanted to feel attractive and fly. I wanted to share passion and long conversations. I wanted to have life changing sex with someone I didn’t feel like was fleeting or temporary. I was tired of temporary. Temporary was just that: temporary and nothing but a story for later. I knew that wasn’t enough for me anymore. So: is it ___ that I really want?