October 8, 2019 

10:19 p.m.

I guess I’ve been too scared to ask for I want. I have been to scared to ask for what I want.... what I want. WHAT DID I WANT? I’ve been going back and forth for some hours now. I’ve been trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me and why I attract men that mirror me? Men that mirrored insecurity and indecisiveness.... Why do I move in spaces, move with men that make me feel smaller? That make me feel crazy. Why am I so angry?

About love lost, long stories, a lotta sorries, and men I felt didn't show up for me. How much of me did loving you cost? And why was I so willing to give my only self out like that? Never deciding what I want because I knew what you wanted and it wasn't me. I knew you gave me more of what I didn't want...so...

Why did I make it seem like you were my only choice?