January 4, 2018 

1:42 a.m.

I realized I wasn’t open to date while I was on the phone with this boy for three hours. I talked us in circles about what I wanted. I sounded like an artist, so sure of herself yet so confused. I really act like me being open is me being clear. When in reality I don’t know what I want and I am good at making things up as I go.

I wanted my ex to notice me, or at least acknowledge that he was noticing me. At least that. I wanted my old dude to apologize. Speak up, not let a year and a lot of change slip by without saying shit or giving an explanation. I wanted the current guy to choose me. Although I already felt like he chose me. I felt like he chose me 1000x times. But then again, that could have been what I chose to see...what I tried to see. I never believed in was either you were or you weren’t. I had a trouble understanding the gray area. I didn’t get that. And I was mad uncomfortable being stuck in it with him.

Most of the time I think my idea of love is fucked up. I’m fucked up. I’ve had so much shit happen to my life. I’m tired of claiming a bunch of shit that I never asked to happen to me in the first place.

I’m so mad at my ex. I’m so mad at myself. I’m still thinking about him. I can’t stop thinking about him. I think I’m crazy. I don’t even know how to love without letting someone go first. I don’t know why I hold onto men. What have I been waiting for them to prove? That they’re not shit? That I didn’t spend my whole life making men out to be greater than they actually were. I worshipped them. Always made them out to be something they weren't.

"Did he make you think he was a god?" --But didn't I so freely choose to dress him up as one?

I started that shit when I was young. With my real dad, thinking he could save me from whatever I was going through. When in reality, he couldn't nor was he there to do it. Isn’t that what we were taught? A man will come along and make your life better.

Little Mermaid said it the best. It’s crazy how much I clung to that Disney movie. I was obsessed. Ariel honestly just wanted to be free. She was an art collector and she was curious, but they made her choose a man. They made her sacrifice her own voice to be with a man.  For love? No voice for a man. A man will make your life better. What a fucking message. I’ve always expected a man to make me into a home. Literally make me into a home for them, like that was going to complete me.