November 24, 2017

8:41 p.m.

He was taking care of her out of love. I mean... I did take a second to think, to imagine someone wanting to take care of me. I didn’t need for a man to take care of me. That was evident. I just wanted to be with someone who wanted too. I wanted too. I usually did. I usually poured myself into the man I was with. 

All those memories don’t mean as much these days. I can’t keep track if I hate him or love him anymore. It switches back and forth. Loving him never really switches away from that. I don't get to forget that.

What did I even really want? I thought about that a lot. My answers changed almost every time. I was sitting under this tree thinking, how lucky am I? To experience and learn new parts of myself every day. Every day I feel like a new person...

A new person that feels the same way about the same two men.

I usually had two guys in my life that I was working on getting over at once. I always used the second guy to get over the first then would fuck up along the way and fall in love with the second guy. I knew plenty of reasons why I did that. What else do you do when you feel lonely? I never really felt lonely. I felt abandoned.  It’s like I saw these guys run and then would act like I was glad to see them leave. I felt crazy after ___ ghosted me. I cried for months. I went in circles about who he really was for months. I would have done anything to feel something else. To think about someone else.

And then I met ___, who made my life feel exciting again. He made me feel new again and I loved it. I loved him. But it was only a matter of time before I'd watch him walk out of my life too. I saw it in our eyes before it even happened. And I still tried. I tried three times. Probably more. I’m about to be 25 and I’m still crying about shit from 23 and 24. I don’t even really miss him, but I think about him... I had to stop thinking about what he feels for me. His music and his actions tell me completely separate things. So I had to stop obsessing about it. 

In the middle of all of this shit, I remet ___. We hadn’t seen each other in over a year, but I saw him and suddenly I thought about a family. We talked for hours. He just came into my life and I felt safe. I felt free. I just wanted to stop caring about ___.

He had a girlfriend though. It was months later when he finally spoke about her. And again, I found myself in a similar situation as I did the first time. Liking a new guy to get over the old guy and at the same time watched him do what every #2 guy did...

Had me questioning myself. 

I've been letting that go though. I'm about to be 25. Fuck that.