RETROGRADE


March 14, 2020 3:02 p.m. “I want you to have what you need,” he said.

For two weeks I was going back and forth with Ego Ciarra and Present Ciarra. Ego Ciarra / Past Ciarras were pissed. How could I have let my wall down? Why would I allow myself to get close like that? What did I expect? What did I want? Why couldn’t I ask for what I wanted? Why couldn’t I decide? Whyyy was I always so damn indecisive? It had been a month since we’d seen each other. He started to feel distant or that’s the narrative I was feeding into. It felt like it was the "break apart" time and I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t want that. I knew I would be ok, but that was beside the point. At least that’s what I reminded myself. I looked at our photos and our videos and I knew we were real. No amount of time or distance could take that away. Not distance. I couldn’t let that be the reason why we strayed away from each other. It took me two weeks to finally say something. First week was a self reflection week. Ok, so... what did I want? How could I work up enough courage to tell him...to tell myself what I needed? The history with my fathers came up. My insecurity for asking for security, for consistency, for space. Asking for space. Space emotionally, mentally, physically. My patterns started showing up like clockwork. I was waiting for him to tell me I was asking for too much. I was waiting for him to tell me he didn't have space for me. I just needed to hear it.  I finally said fuck it and Facetimed him on week two.  This is exactly what happened last retrograde. Things felt shifty, I told him I needed to talk to him. We played Facetime tag for three days, always picking up the phone, even if we couldn't talk, and then finally we'd reach each other and I would spill out all the things I had been thinking...almost all of them. “So I’m going to do something I normally don’t do. I’m going to speak from my heart,” I told him. He was in my dream the night before. In my dream I was told to wear green when I spoke to him, only green. Heart Chakra. So when I called him I wore green. He told me I was in his dream that night too. Weird... It was a weird day too. The world was in a state of panic. A world wide panic. What would come of the future? I began to question whether it was even important to talk to him. To tell him what I wanted, what I needed. To be vulnerable... I started pouring my heart out. He looked really serious. He was listening. He gave me space to speak from my heart, from my past, from my mind, from the present. He was trying to explain to me his way of thinking, his way of feeling. He was a man of little words. With little words, I already knew where he was coming from. I reminded myself to listen as a friend. Listen to him. Be present with him. We hit that moment of silence. I thought to say something but nothing came out. Instead, my thoughts danced around what we weren't saying. “I feel like you want an answer. My gut is telling me to give you an answer...I want you to have what you need,” he said. An answer... I wasn’t even sure what I was asking for to begin with. So we sat there in silence until I finally said,  “I just want to know if you have space for me. If we’re on the same page. I honestly don’t know how you feel about me." He told me he didn’t make space for anyone. Red Flags. He said he makes it so he doesn’t need anyone. Double red flags. He told me he really liked me... We got off the phone after an hour or so and I felt better, but I didn't say what I needed to say....which was: "Do you see a future with me? Do you see yourself making space for me?" Yeah, naw. Didn't say that. Instead I talked about everything else.