July 1, 2020

1:13 a.m.

The first thing I had to do was admit to myself that I really liked him. It was fucking evident that I liked him. I meannn, planning a week-long camping trip together...screams Y O U - L I K E - H I M - H O E. Admitting I liked him left an open space for disappointment. It left space for vulnerability. It left a space for uncertainty.

It felt like he pushed me to the side and suddenly I was facing past versions of myself. Versions of myself with other men who pushed me aside one way or another.

We hadn't seen each other in months and he wanted to change the dates to our trip. He wanted to change them to a later date. Suddenly, it felt like I wasn’t a priority and I started to see how we weren’t on the same page.

The dates never changed, but the hurt was still there. Then he had the nerve to act nonchalant about making solid plans for the trip a week before it. I low key popped off on him on Facetime. "If you don't want to go just let me know. LET ME KNOW. You trying to change our dates and not communicating with me is hurting my feelings." 

I mean damn. I just don’t feel considered by him sometimes. I feel like I am begging for his attention sometimes. It's a lonely feeling. A feeling that triggered insecurity... or did it trigger the truth? Our priorities were different and it was more noticeable than me "pretending" like I didn't like him.  By the end of our hour conversation I wasn’t mad at him anymore, but the hurt was still there.