October 11, 2019
I guess I miss toxic, careless behavior and I wish I would just admit that I was wrong about ____. I knew we would never move past the initial spark phase and the manifestation of that would only grow stronger as the weeks passed. That is why I told him we were an art project. It’s why I had both feet in but was ready to run out that door at any moment. Given, I found many reasons to run, but instead I tried to change my mind about it. It was why I was spilling my feelings all over him. Why I looked at him. I saw him and I knew he was not for me, yet I still chose to ride us out as long as time allowed. I tried honesty. I tried hiding too. I tried ignoring everything that didn’t feel right. We felt right until we didn’t and that was why I was my most open as I could be with him...and why I was nervous too. I was nervous about being right about us. Knowing myself and knowing him. A Scorpio. He was secretive. A fucked up combination with a Sagittarius like me. I was a wild, intense woman. A very honest one too.
Was I only open because I knew we were temporary? Was I temporary or was it you? Or was it us? Or was it everything?
I felt temporary. Our moments felt temporary. A whole summer has slipped by. A few sorries, some more stories, and a heart longing to be seen...
Oh how I wish he would just notice me. I always wished they noticed me. It was like I was a walking insecurity. A screaming, walking insecurity. I missed him. I wished he noticed me. I wish he would noticed me. I wish he was noticing me.
Maybe then I’ll remember that he wasn’t and isn't what I want and I’m only manifesting another man who doesn't see me.