THE END OF SUMMER


November 23, 2019 4:26 p.m.  Maybe it was because I was seeing myself in a new light with this newish man, who was being completely honest about what he was feeling. I froze. This was not how I had pictured our time together or us having this conversation. That conversation. You know the conversation where it feels like the summer is ending and all the possibilities, energy, and newish connections were coming to an end. It’s been hard for me to say that. I think that’s why I walked away from us and was ready to cry. It was November, but the way I was moving still felt like I was in summer. And the summer was coming to an end. We were coming to an end. I was planning my return to LA in January and again, like last year, I had no idea what I was doing or what I was going to do. I was at emotional capacity. I was spreading myself in a lot of directions. Career Ciarra, Artist Ciarra, Woman Ciarra, Black Ciarra, Mixed Ciarra, Family Ciarra, Friend Ciarra, His Ciarra. And I really wish I could just be with Ciarra. Just with her. It felt like a goodbye and I wasn’t ready for a goodbye. Control. I was trying to control our fate. Control myself. Control us. Don’t be too vulnerable. Don’t say too much. Control, control, control. Control your feelings Ciarra, you don't like him... I can’t even write about it. Idk….I don’t know what I am going to say to him. I told myself that I would try this new thing: speak from the heart. But I don’t like feeling like I'm not composed in any way. Can't control what comes from the heart.... I wasn't ready to tell him what was really in my heart.