May 13, 2020

3:06 a.m.

Today I told ___ that I felt like I used him as an escapism. Still having mixed feelings about that. I want to think of us as more, but I wonder would that fix my insecurities? He has called me "friend" twice in the last two days.

I started thinking...what if he is friend-zoning me? Why does that make me feel weird? Maybe because calling me a friend rules out love? Or the truth: we don’t know when we are going to see each other again. I keep thinking damn, will we ever get a chance to be together? Does it matter? Is he really what I want or is he a phase? Do I actually like him or am I still looking for someone to validate me? I feel like I don’t trust myself.

I wonder if I actually missed him or missed the idea of him. Why does it make me so sad to think that I was wrong and he might not be the one for me? Why do I put this much pressure on the men I like? Why is being a friend viewed negatively? We are friends. I just wanted space for us to add onto that. The thought of letting go felt familiar. 

How do you make space for someone you don't have space for? I was making too much space for him in my thoughts, my heart, my art...my life. The space I was making for him felt like watercolor paint. I saw Frankenthaler's work in my head. How her watercolor  effortlessly blend together and sometimes, for a brief second, you don't even notice how the colors are merging and transforming. If he was a watercolor he was transforming and merging into my life in too many ways. His color is dominating my painting and I don't know if I can keep this up.